


Things We Can't Control

by emmarumbelle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Gen, Set before meeting Eren, rivetra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-13
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 04:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1182119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmarumbelle/pseuds/emmarumbelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Petra tries to think of what makes Levi himself, how different her view of him is now as opposed to when they first met and of what she expected before. He's not as hard to read as she had thought, but there is something about him she can't quite figure out. Character study of Levi, Petra and their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things We Can't Control

**Author's Note:**

> So... i posted this as a twoshot everywhere else, but then i thought "meh, let's post it as a whole thing on ao3"

The halls of the Scouting Legion’s HQ were silent that day. Well, they were until the first rays of sunshine shone through the windows. For a soldier it was quite uncommon staying in bed much longer after sunrise, so just as the sun came up: it was time to get up.

This was especially accurate for the Special Operations Squad. And this wasn’t because they were elite soldiers, not at all. The thing was: Captain Levi wasn’t particularly forgiving with people that couldn’t handle the time properly. So of course, if someone were to arrive late to their duties, he wouldn’t doubt in imparting a punishment. He couldn’t always control the situation, of course, but his subordinates were unfortunate enough to be in a certain position of submissiveness when it came to his ridiculous obsessions. One of the lucky exceptions to this rule happened to be the only female soldier under his command. Not because she didn’t follow his orders, but because she was smart enough to find a way to obey him more as a choice and less as an obligation. This was because Petra had quite a gift when it came to reading him. At first she had been just like the rest of them: following the rules word by word and being scared out of her mind about what could possibly happen to her if she didn’t do what he ordered. But in a matter of months, after the second expedition the team had with their captain: she learned a few tricks.

♥

_First of all, she realized where his entire obsession with cleaning and time came from._

He had found her crying after the loss of yet another comrade, curled up in a corner of her room all by herself. She had tried to dry her tears and pretend it was nothing, but he told her otherwise, he said he was happy she could be as strong as she was, that he was glad she could cry and mourn. She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t strong, tell him about the countless occasions when she almost gave up, but she couldn’t do anything but stare at him. Levi looked her straight in the eyes and said: _“There are some things we can’t control”_ And that was when it hit her. She knew that he wasn’t as bad as she first thought when she met him and she also knew that he wasn’t as flawless and hero-like as she expected before. But after seeing him comforting dying soldiers and people _like her_ , she couldn’t help but be interested in knowing more. What he told her that day stuck with her, it haunted her for a while and she couldn’t fully grasp why she cared so much until she saw him the next morning desperately scrubbing the kitchen table with unnecessary force. Before he could notice her presence, she ran off and just cried. She didn’t understand exactly why at the moment, but the sight of him made her feel almost empty, defeated. She finally knew what he meant. He was much more broken that she could’ve ever imagined, but he was really good at keeping his nonchalant façade. So she started paying closer attention, examined his every order and move until she could get a closer depiction of his true self. In doing so, she discovered that the captain had a bit too many flaws, but in her eyes: they weren’t enough to obscure his good side. Levi was cynical, cold, tactless, a bad strategic, cunning, manipulative, short-tempered… she could go on forever, but his qualities made it up for her. She found him often caring, honest, understanding, and sometimes even kind. Petra couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was about him that drew her closer, but she knew that she couldn’t stop, not anymore. It was weird because she thought that in writing down the good and bad attributes he held she could finally convince herself that while he was a good soldier but a horrible captain, sometimes a good man but others a deplorable human being, he wasn’t _right_ for her. And still, looking at how long one list was in comparison to the other, she couldn’t back down. She hoped it was just a child-like admiration, a crush. But after a year of longing and incredibly specific dreams that left her breathless in the morning, she knew it wasn’t just a superficial attraction. So ignoring her better judgment, she tried to figure out if he cared for her as much as she did for him.

♥

_Secondly, by sheer cleverness, she made sure to arrange plenty of situations in which the two of them were alone together or at least with very little company._

At the beginning she would just bring him coffee or tea to his room at night. She knew that he stayed up as much as he could, and that even if he was sleeping, the lightest of sounds would just wake him up in an instant.

The first time she did it he was quite grateful, but reluctant non-the-less. She softly knocked on his door and was surprised at how sharp his hearing was when just seconds later, he opened it. His glare was so intense that she was left speechless for a moment too long.

“Why are you here?” he asked in a not-particularly-happy tone.

Snapping back to reality at the sound of his voice, she looked down at the steaming mug in the tray she was holding, and matter-of-factly replied: “I brought you some coffee, sir. I thought you might need it considering all the research Hanji-san gave you” She remembered the other woman’s presence that morning quite precisely, but she actually hadn’t exactly thought of an excuse for her beverage offering until she met his disapproving stare. Thankfully, she wasn’t as starstruck as she had been months before. Or at least, she was better at hiding it.

His expression shifted completely when he heard her response, but he didn’t take much time before putting his unamused mask once again. “Oh… Thank you… That’s… nice” He took the mug from the tray and promptly closed the door on her face. ‘ _Well, that went well’_ she thought to herself. The encounter had been incredibly unproductive, but as more coffee filled nights came by, she learned something new about him: _as much as he liked to deny it, he enjoyed routine and was quite bothered by change_. This was especially true when the change was something he couldn’t control, something he didn’t have any influence in creating. Petra realized this one day that she forgot to go by his room (or most likely, decided not to). Right on time, at the exact moment she knocked on his door every night, he knocked on hers. She couldn’t possibly figure out how he could’ve possibly known that she wasn’t going to visit him that day, but what struck her the most was the fact that he remembered that she wasn’t feeling particularly well that day and thus had made her some herbal tea in order for her to get better. She almost shed a tear, but stopped herself so he wouldn’t think she was going mad. He stayed all night with her until the abdominal pain subdued and she fell asleep.

♥

_The third and last thing she realized about him was how much weight the relationships he shared with the other Scouting Legion’s veterans had on him._

For starters there was Erwin. The Commander and the Captain were incredibly close, but not in the way she had first expected. Yes, the only person that Levi trusted completely and without a matter of doubt was him. She knew that whatever happened in the past that made him change his mind about not following the rules and joining the Scouting Legion leaving everything else behind, had something to do with the Commander (if not all). But she also knew that outside of strictly laboral discussions and obligations they didn’t know much about each other, or at least: Levi didn’t know much about Erwin. She found it incredibly hard to read the Commander, and it wasn’t because she didn’t have enough interactions with him, the problem was that he was too complex, too mysterious. One day he would be the most charming man on earth and the next he could be a psychotic strategic. To be quite honest, the only reason why she trusted his decisions was because Levi did so as well. At first she had wanted to scream at him, to tell him that sending so many people to die (and doing it knowingly) was wrong, no matter how aware those people were about the danger. But she had to contain herself, she couldn’t let them think that she was immature or that she wasn’t detached enough to make strategic decisions for the greater good of humanity. So she stayed quiet, she followed orders and tried not to protest against unfair decisions. That didn’t mean she had changed her mind, though. But after a particularly embarrassing outburst that she had about some future plans for an expedition, she had decided to keep things under wraps. That time she had thought she was alone, screaming at her own room, but she had been wrong.

“Is that really how you feel about Erwin?” Levi asked. She turned to him completely mortified. She couldn’t possibly say ‘no’, she had already spoken too much. There was no turning back. “Yes… sir”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

 She took a moment before answering, but when she did she did it with a calm manner that he didn’t quite expect. “I apologize, sir. But I didn’t think it would be fair to bother you with my worries when you clearly trust the Commander so much”

“Well, I’m your captain. I don’t ask you to tell me about personal issues, but if something specifically related to the Scouting Legion is troubling you, you should be able to tell me”

“I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again”

He was making his way out when he stopped in his tracks and turned around. “Petra, this is a very serious matter, you shouldn’t just stay put and follow orders, and if you feel like you don’t agree with the Scouting Legion’s methodology then you should probably do something about that. I wouldn’t want you to die in vain”

She only stared at the floor in response, waiting for him to leave. Of course he did just that only minutes later, but that didn’t stop her from thinking that perhaps he wasn’t that happy with the way Erwin managed things either. She shook that thought completely though, but it still left a bitter taste in her mouth.

In second place was Hanji. His relationship with her was much more casual than with Erwin, but on the surface it was still mainly professional. What had first clued her into their closeness was how Hanji played along with his poop jokes and tactless comments that she guessed he thought were somewhat funny. In return, he nicknamed her and treated her as if she was the most annoying person in the planet. But she knew that in his world that meant that he cared. And that was why she was getting more and more convinced that he didn’t care half as much for her as she did for Hanji. Not that she was jealous, no; at least, not in a romantic way. She did envy how casually they talked to each other, how much they knew the other person’s mood by just making a quick comment.  

Thirdly was Mike. She hadn’t witnessed many interactions between her captain and the squad leader, but from what she saw she could tell that there was history between them. Of course, that was a given considering how long they had all been together in the Scouting Legion, but apart from that there was still something peculiar between them. His relationship with Mike was quite similar to the one he shared with Erwin and that intrigued her beyond belief. She knew that Levi didn’t trust Mike was much as he did the Commander, but when they were on expeditions together, when they would both work to kill the same objective; she could tell they shared a truly meaningful bond.

In the case of Nanaba and the rest of the veterans, she couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but just like with the other three, Levi had a special connection to them. Be it because they had all lived through many tragedies together or because they had truly become friends to some extent, she couldn’t quite tell.

But the one thing she was positive about: _as much as he pretended not to care about anyone whatsoever, Levi wouldn_ _’_ _t have possibly survived that long without them_. Nor mentally nor physically (as good as he was). She could see it in the determination in his face as he urged dying soldiers about how their passing would only make him stronger and more able to kill titans. She saw it in his incredibly ill timed and awkward poop jokes. He was the kind of person that liked to pretend to be colder and calculating that he could ever be when in reality every time someone close to him died a part of him went with them. The fact that he had poor social skills only added to the problem of people thinking that he was a cold-hearted bastard 24/7.

♥

With him in mind, Petra laid awake in her bed. She turned towards her window as the morning light started slipping in. A light breeze moved the hair from her face as she imagined what it would feel like to lay there with him. She knew she had to get up if she didn’t want him to get crazily angry, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Maybe it was a good thing if he was mad at her, maybe that way her stupid obsession would go away. Could it be consider an obsession? She couldn’t tell anymore, but she didn’t want to get hurt. He wasn’t as hard to read as she had first thought, but what she couldn’t possibly figure out was how much he cared for her. Did he perceive her only as a solider under his command? Did he only treat her differently because she had made sure to maintain cordial interactions with him? Was it all just in her head? She didn’t want to think about it anymore, she just wanted it all to be over. She would die anyways, what was the point in developing feelings for a superior officer? A titan could easily get rid of her (or him) at the next expedition and it would all have been for nothing. It was just a waste of time.

She was so deep in her thoughts that she didn’t hear the knocks on her door, and of course, she didn’t notice the presence inside her room right after.

Levi stood still, as silent as possible as he witnessed what he believed was the most beautiful sight he had seen in a long time: Petra laid on her bed, the soft light from outside bringing out her features, her strawberry blonde hair moving with the wind. He had entered with the purpose of scolding her, but instead he froze in place, breathless. She didn’t seem to notice him so he just stayed there for a while.

When he finally came back to his senses, he cleared his throat quite audibly making her look at him.

“Captain!” she yelled jumping in her bed.

“Petra, you’re half an hour late” he said more gently than he intended.

“I… I’m sorry, I fell asleep”

“That’s not even remotely true, I’ve been in your room for a while now” he said without even thinking.

“You what? That’s quite inappropriate, sir”

“Don’t change the subject.” He said raising his hands as if to stop her. “Why weren’t you in the meeting room with the rest of the team?”

“I’m really sorry, sir… I lost track of time… But what you did was still creepy”

“Fine, I apologize” he said matter-of-factly. After a moment of just staring at each other, he added: “Make sure you never do that again, understood?”

♥

The exchange repeated in her mind as she got dressed for yet another day of cleaning and training. She felt fuzzy thinking that he didn’t give her any type of punishment for her laziness. He didn’t even press her further as to what her motives were. But then again: maybe he just didn’t care enough. Or at least, that’s what she thought.

When the night arrived, Petra once again retreated to her bedroom. All the usual work of the day had truly wore her out and she couldn’t care less for having a cup of coffee. Before she could realize the implications that said decision had, she completely drifted off to sleep.

Not too long after: she woke up. The first thing she saw as she opened her eyes was a steaming cup of coffee on her nightstand. Rubbing her eyes, she sat, and doing so, she noticed a little note right beside the cup. She instantly recognized its writer for his attempt at cursive but overall sketchiness: it was Levi’s handwriting.

‘ _Petra: ~~I’m sorry~~ I figured it would be better to leave the cup and leave. ~~I didn’t want to disturb you out or anything.~~ If you read this and the night isn’t over yet: come down stairs to the kitchen. We need to talk.’_

_Levi._

She stared at the note for a moment and then rushed to put on the only robe she had with her in the HQ. She grabbed the cup of coffee and walked downstairs to meet up with him.

The moment she reached her destination was also the moment when she realized she hadn’t actually checked how she looked in the mirror. She almost had a panic attack, but when she spotted her captain, all of her worries went away: he looked like he just came out of a hurricane. His shirt was wrinkly, his hair was a mess, the dark circles under his eyes seemed to expand all over his face and he had three empty cups of coffee right next to him. ‘ _Did he drink them all?_ ’ she wondered.

He instantly noticed her presence as she stared, so he stood up and walked up to her. “Ah, you’re awake” she just nodded in response and stared at the cup she was holding.

As the silence between them expanded, she decided to speak up. “So, you wanted to talk to me?”

He moved closer to her and took the cup from her hands. After placing it right next to the other ones, he started: “Mmm… I believe you’ve been lacking motivation lately, Petra. Now, if you wanna quit I’m not gonna stop you, but I would appreciate it if you told me what changed your mind”

In response, she looked down at the floor as if completely ignoring what he said. That only made Levi’s resolve stronger as he pressed once again. “Petra Ral: You’ve seen plenty of both deaths and titans and never backed down. What’s different now? The last expedition we had was months ago”

She bit her tongue, she didn’t want him to get involved in her internal struggle; after all, she was sure it would go away soon enough. But in the meantime: she needed to tell him something. “… I’m not going to quit, captain… I’ve just been feeling a little down lately… It’s nothing, really… I’ll be fine in no time”

“Are you sure?” he said as he stared with such intensity that she felt as if his eyes were drilling holes in hers. She couldn’t stand the scrutiny so she looked away to avoid him: big mistake. Just as she turned her head, she felt one of his hands lifting her chin, forcing her to look at him once again. It was just then that she noticed the tint of alcohol in his breath. He was surely drunk. “You’re lying, aren’t you?” he said as the scent of both coffee and some sort of alcoholic beverage covered her face, making her incredibly disgusted as she tried to pull away from his reach. Luckily it wasn’t too hard. While he was a very strong man, he had decided not to use much of his force on her, and for that, she was grateful.

“Captain Levi, you’re drunk” she said as she took two steps back.

“I know that, but you still haven’t answered my question” he said as serious as ever. After yet another moment of silence, his expression completely shifted into a melancholic one before he asked in a tearful manner: “Why are you avoiding me?”

Hearing that, she was completely taken aback. His eyes looked as if he was in the binge of tears and his broken tone clearly meant that he cared more than she had initially thought. “Captain, I… I realized that whatever happens now won’t really matter when we die, so… I don’t know… I guess that’s why I lost motivation… But I promise that this happens every once in a while, so I know I’ll get over it and be back to my cheerful self that likes to live every day to its fullest in no time” He didn’t look very pleased at her response, but at least it seemed that he wasn’t going to interrogate her any further. She decided it wasn’t very wise to stay with him in the condition he was, so she offered to walk him back to his room and then go back to sleep in her room. Surprisingly enough, he accepted her help and followed her instantly.

The way back was painfully silent, to the point that she couldn’t stop thinking and thinking without a moment to spare and break the ice. ‘ _For someone who’s drunk, he acts ridiculously sober… with a few exceptions, of course’_

When they finally reached his door, she moved to open it only to be stopped by his hand on hers. Feeling a shock of electricity at the touch, she stepped backwards and accidentally bumped into him in the process. He didn’t take much time before cornering her at his door, an arm at each side of her. She froze in the place and didn’t even open her mouth before he said: “Listen, Petra: I’m really drunk right now, but I don’t wanna force anything on you. If you _don’t want_ _me_ , then please say so. I won’t hold it against you, it won’t change your position as a soldier at all; this is a personal issue after all. But, if you _do_ want me, then… I would appreciate it if you told me as well”

Petra pondered for a moment if taking that step would actually be worth anything. For starters the whole reason why she had been ignoring him (in an attempt of going back to their ‘captain/subordinate’ relationship) was because she couldn’t possibly see a future for them when every day could most likely be their last. But also, he reeked of alcohol and she wasn’t sure if finally knowing how kissing him felt was worth tolerating the horrible breath that he clearly had. Her long silence made him think that she wasn’t interested, so he tried to walk away as elegantly as he could. “I get it” he said as he moved his arms away from the door. What happened next though, surprised them both. It seemed that the entire walk to her room plus the inevitable tiredness that came with drinking had finally sunk in. So the second he pulled away, he fell down to the floor.

“Captain!” she yelled as she kneeled down to help him.

“Noo… argh… don’t touch me if you don’t…” he struggled to say. Levi lifted his head with the little energy he had left and looked at her. She stared back and once again she noticed a certain sadness in his expression. Something he wouldn’t usually show. And just as fast, he closed his eyes and collapsed against her chest.

“Ah! Captain Levi!” she screamed as she felt his face on her breasts.

♥

Waking up, Levi felt beyond nauseous. It was not something he hadn’t felt before though, so he didn’t mind that much. He struggled to open his eyes, but when he finally managed to suppress his headache and the burning feeling that covered pretty much his whole head, he saw her. Petra was sitting right next to him, face full of worry. He couldn’t really feel much, moments ago, but when he saw her shift positions and put a wet towel over his forehead, he realized that she had taken care of him all night. Or perhaps even longer, he couldn’t really tell what time it was considering the room’s windows were closed.

“How are you feeling?” she asked in a low tone.

He groggily replied: “I’ve been better… but I’ve also been worse”

“Hmm… You really scared me back then, you know… You passed out and I couldn’t wake you up for the life of me… And then I noticed you had a fever and…” she suddenly stopped talking and just stared at him. She looked as if she was in pain, but Levi shook that thought away, ‘ _I’m the sick one here’_ Before he could tell her anything, she stood up and started mumbling about how someone else was going to take care of him then. She didn’t meet his gaze (which he found quite peculiar) and just ran for the door as she said her goodbyes.

“Wait, Petra!” he yelled back at her with a ferocity he didn’t think was possible in his state. She turned around slowly and looked at him from the corner of her eyes. “I… can’t _you_ stay here?”

“… Captain, I should-” he interrupted her.

“Please” She was planning on ignoring his request and just walking out, but as she paid more attention to his expression, she noticed that a single tear fell from his face. He wasn’t even holding back. She thought it was most likely some feverish pain he was experiencing or even his hangover… Perhaps even both! But a part of her told her that this intense display of emotions from her captain were not going to repeat themselves and that they had as much to do with her as they did with his physical condition. Therefore, against her better judgment, she walked all the way back to his bed and sat once again. After she did so, he took her hand in his and held it as if it was his sole connection to the living realm. The gesture took her by surprise and she was left at a loss of words. Who was this man that cried and begged for her? Where was her coldhearted captain that tried his best not to express himself? She thought of this strange version of Levi as if he were a child even though the pain his body was going through made him look older. When he squeezed her hand as tight as he could, she realized he wanted something.

“Ah… oh… what is it?” she asked.

“… Can you help me get up so I can go to the bathroom” he replied. All the deep meaning that the moment had in her eyes, completely vanished when he said that. She couldn’t believe she had almost been ‘enchanted’ about the whole situation. He was still Levi after all. So with that thought in mind, she got up and tried to help him stand as well. Something that didn’t escape her mind though was the fact that he didn’t let go of her hand, not even for a second.

After he closed the door of the bathroom, she sat on a chair she had brought, outside of it. If he were to pass out inside then it wouldn’t be useful for her to be back at his room. Besides, the chair was there just so she could wait comfortably.

Meanwhile, Levi took a shower, brushed his teeth and did pretty much everything you can do in a bathroom. Usually his ‘routine’ would take him about an hour, but for some reason, in half that time, he was already out. “Oh… you were fast this time” He only hummed in response as he made his way back to his room, forcing her to run behind him in order to catch up.

By the time she reached him, he was already covered in blankets. Maybe he wasn’t as sick as she had first expected if he could move that quick. But his heavy breathing told him off as she grabbed the wet towel once again. Before she could place it on his forehead though, he took her wrist with both arms and moved it so that she wouldn’t reach his head. “Captain! I need to put this on your forehead. Come on, let go of me” He looked at her for a moment before doing as she asked. She leaned in ever-so-slightly to move the hairs from his face as she placed the towel and that’s when it happened. With one of his hands, he pulled her closer until their lips met. The kiss wasn’t perfect or sweet, nor full of fireworks and unique. It was all around messy and desperate. She wrapped her arms around his neck lifting him up just enough so she could tangle her fingers in his wet hair. And as she did so, he made sure their tongues touched as he deepened the kiss, letting himself move upwards as he sat and embraced her taking a hold of her waist. Their need for each other only grew stronger as they felt no distance was close enough between them. His fever was completely forgotten as she pulled his hair making him moan against her touch. When they broke apart in favor of air, their eyes met and for what felt like an eternity, they just stared at each other. There was no sound in the room apart from their breaths and fast-beating hearts. And they weren’t really thinking about anything in particular, or rather, anything at all. They just gazed with an unnerving peace as if they were looking at the stars in a calm night. The fact that they weren’t worrying about dying or about the already dead was something they couldn’t do most of the time. Especially considering that if they did at any given moment, the _guilt_ of forgetting their position, and the people that were lost, overwhelmingly took a hold of them.

When their heart rates dropped and their breathings evened, Petra realized the situation they were in and tenderly cupped his face between her hands while smiling, moving closer to give him a quick peck on the lips. “I love you” she said without looking away. He looked shocked for a moment, but seeing his expression relax, she felt it was only right to continue talking. “I’ve been ignoring you lately because of _this_ … I thought you wouldn’t care… or that at least you would understand that _us_ … Being together would only end up getting us hurt”

He scoffed as he looked down for a moment. “You know, I thought I would be the one saying that… I guess I got tired of pretending, at least when it comes to _you_ ” After hearing that, she finally let go of his face.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’ve tried to do the same thing as you have been doing… I tried to avoid you as well, but the longer I spent apart from you, the more I wanted you closer… I love you too, Petra… I love you so fucking much… I can’t believe I’m saying this… I must be really sick… Probably still drunk” he said while looking away.

“… Are you saying you want to be with me anyways? Even if there’s a chance one of us, or maybe even both of us die in the next expedition?”

“I’m saying there is no point in not doing something just because we’re going to die. Everyone dies. And I know we may die sooner than anyone else, but I think that is the more reason to do something… Don’t you think?”

“I think you’re right… you really must be drunk… The Captain Levi I know would’ve never said what you’re saying”

“Well, the Captain Levi you know wouldn’t have made out with one of his subordinates over his bed as if it was the most natural thing in the world either so I think it’s safe to say that alcohol and fever killed that person and replaced him with a similar looking guy”

“Are you saying that alcohol and fever are actual beings with the power to replace a person after murdering another?”

“Petra, we kill giant humanoid monsters, why would this surprise you?”

“Touché” She said before looking at him longingly, and feeling the jovial moment pass, she said: “I think we should talk about this after you get some rest… and sober up” Clearly she didn’t have to say it twice considering that he collapsed back on the bed and a moment later,  she started hearing what she swore were snores.

♥

The next time he woke up was quite different. There was certain clarity to his thoughts and for the first time in a long while, he felt truly rested. But the most noticeable difference was the fact that he woke up alone. There was no one else in the room with him.

Levi got out of bed and changed his shirt (since the one he had slept with was wrinkled) and putting on his boots, he walked outside and downstairs into the meeting room. Inside he was met with absolute emptiness.

By the light that came from the windows he guessed it might’ve been either early morning or late afternoon, and considering that had it been the latter they would all be ready for dinner, he figured it was the former. They were training outside without him. The only reason he found for that was a) Petra had really exaggerated his condition and b) Erwin wasn’t there. Either way, taking advantage of his solitude, he made himself some coffee and sat alone breathing in the calm air.

As time went by, the nothingness and the silence made him feel almost sad. The loneliness gave him space to remember the things he had done the day before and even some echoes of the night before that. He truly had been delusional with Petra that day. He had told her that dating wouldn’t be such a bad idea even if they died. Not with those words, but he was sure she got the point. Erwin was right, he couldn’t handle alcohol as well as he used to. Getting a fever from drinking in excess was clearly the worst bodily reaction to drinking he had gotten since he had started in the first place. But then again: why did he drink this time? He remembered Petra had been upset. He recalled how he made himself some coffee out of spite but had been so focused in thinking about her that he almost burnt the coffee pot. Why did he care so much if she ignored him? Months ago it wouldn’t have been a problem. What changed? Some vague answer invaded his thoughts as he the image of himself putting the cheapest vodka ever inside his cup came to mind. Perhaps he had truly developed feelings for her, but either way he wouldn’t be able to tell. As far as he knew he had never been in love with anyone before.

Lost in thought as he was, he didn’t realize the passing of time, so before he knew it, his squad was back. They all ran straight to the showers completely ignoring his presence so he made his way back to the kitchen and washed the empty cup he had been holding for so long.

Walking outside and into the open air, he looked up at the sky for the first time in a while. It was almost time for lunch and the sun was set high up in the sky providing the most heated hour of the day. He stood there, arms crossed, trying to figure out his next move. Should he tell her he wasn’t actually interested? Or should he go along and try and see what could happen? The truth was that as much as he tried to think about death and duty, she was taking up all the space in his mind. Every time his thoughts faded into nothingness, her sweet smile came rushing by invading his every sense. ‘Sense’. That word brought back cinnamon, scented roses and soap: her scent. In a matter of milliseconds, he was kissing her again, the memories of her soft, warm lips against his parched ones. He closed his eyes as if he was savoring her again and let himself believe that the hot light of the sun could replace her. He tried to convince himself to reject her as soon as possible. He had to. He wasn’t going to sweep her off her feet or kiss her good morning. He couldn’t give her what she needed, and honestly he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to care this much for someone else, every time that happened, someone died and someone got hurt. And he was usually in the second category. As much as he may love her (if that is what it was) he couldn’t possibly commit to a serious relationship nor then nor ever.

Suddenly a set of arms wrapped around him. It didn’t take him too long to recognize their owner as she spoke. “Good morning, Captain Levi” He moved away from her, removing her arms from his waist and prepared to give her his thought-out rejection. Instead, he didn’t let go of her hands and just looked at her and replied a soft: “Hi”

“Are you shy, now? I seem to recall something quite different from yesterday… Although to be fair you were… not exactly yourself” she said mockingly.

“Petra”

“Hmm?”

“We shouldn’t… I don’t think this is a good idea… I’m your captain” he said as all the other reasons escaped his mind.

“Oh no, you can’t back out now. We made out -quite heatedly if I might add- now it’s set on stone. Besides, ‘captain and soldier’? That seems like a really stupid reason not to date someone. It wouldn’t be the first time someone does it either”

“That’s not what I… I don’t think I want to date you. Yesterday the fever made me delusional. I didn’t know what I was doing and… things happened. I would rather if we just maintained a professional relationship”

In response, Petra just grinned mischievously and walked closer to him. Just when their faces were mere inches away, she stopped and whispered: “Then why are you still holding my hands?” Hearing that, Levi looked down at their interlaced fingers and realized: there was no walking away.

“You are quite daring today, aren’t you Petra? Talking down to your captain, treating him like a child and getting way too close for comfort, what do you have to say in your defense?” he said as he took one hesitant step even closer to her. Now they were one slight movement away.

“Well, captain… what can I say?” she said wrapping her arms around his neck. “There are some things we can’t control” Closing the space between them, she kissed him without a moment to waste. He kissed her back as he embraced her by the waist (finally letting go of her hand).


End file.
